"How often do you think about racism?" - JUN 14, 2020 (Patreon Archive)

My white partner asked me this the other day and sadly my answer is, EVERYDAY. I’ve been writing my thoughts on this for a week. Not thinking about racism everyday is a privilege, a huge privilege.

Up until 3 years ago, thinking about racism was just about survival. Racial slurs, "go back to China", they were common and even though they still hurt, I let it roll off. The alternative would be putting my body in harm's way by retaliating, by saying something back. And then I'll still be the one who gets hurt. So I avoided, so I walked away. Living in NYC for over 8 years, as liberal/progressive as a city as people want to believe it is, I experienced more overt white supremacy there more than anything. The in-your-face,  the I-want-you-to-know-I-hate-your-people racism. 

As I have gotten older and less afraid of talking about the racism that have been directed towards me, I think about racism everyday in a different manner. Don't get me wrong, survival is still very much a part of dealing with racism. But only trying to survive is thinking more about what they can do to me rather what I'm doing for myself.

As I've learned to heal, I am unlearning years of wanting to be white. That's internalized racism. That's me being racist towards myself. I spent most of my formidable years wanting to be anything other than Chinese. I wanted to be white, mostly subconsciously. I wasn't actively trying to change my skin tone or saying I wanted to be white. I wore clothes I thought made me look less "ethnic". I tried fitting in by changing my mannerisms or speech to be more palatable to white people. I laughed at racist jokes against my own people so I could “fit in”. Attending a predominantly white high school, a teenager figuring out who I wanted to be when I grow up, it did a number on me. And as I am acknowledging what I have done to myself, I realized what I have done to my own family.

I was ashamed of where I came from. I was ashamed of who my parents are and where they came from. I was ashamed of my culture, my heritage, my ancestors. That's pretty fucked up. That's white supremacy at it's finest. It erases your very existence. It consumes your psyche to believe that you are not worthy because you are not white. What I am further acknowledging now is that shame I had towards myself was also directed towards my parents. I was racist towards my own parents. Let me let that sink in...

That is a lot of shame that white supremacy uses as a power over BIPOC. Every time I told them, "Why can't you just speak English?", every time I was embarrassed being with them in public, every time I got mad at them for helping them translate letters and bills. Every time I wish I was white, I was disrespecting them and my culture. I still loved my culture, celebrating holidays and eating our food, learning how to read, speak, and write Chinese for 12 years, but I didn't want anyone to know about it. Not celebrating who I am, not celebrating my whole existence in any space I was in, was disrespecting myself and others like me.

So fast forward to the past 3 years now. my journey has been mostly unlearning all of that. When Trump was elected president, when I moved to a state that voted for him, I was living in fear most days. I don't know where my turning point was where I went from scared to I'm not taking any of this shit anymore. Either way, I'm glad I got here. 

Anti-racism in the past 18 months have taught me a lot about myself and how I have not been kind, to my culture, my inner child, my past self. In a way, white supremacy led me to hate myself. Anti racism work includes BIPOC healing, my healing. To finally learn that our roots and our culture is so important to recognize as being a part of me. One of the important things in anti-racism work, I’ve learned, is the power of our ancestors and the power of knowing where we came from. Anything that reclaims what white supremacy has taken from BIPOC identity and joy is almost a win.

I think about racism everyday because it is a part of unlearning all that white supremacy has instilled in me as an American-born Chinese. I am taking back my identity. I am taking back the fear of not being worthy or enough in the standards of whiteness. I am pushing back on what white supremacy, still daily, reminds me that I don’t “belong”.

It is a privilege to only hear about racism and not have to live it.